I don't know how to start this post. Mostly because I've never really written a post like this, but also because my brain is a real cluttered mess and I just know that's going to show through my writing. I guess I'll just start. I think I am going through a bit of a rough patch. Nothing is really going on. I have the perfect friends, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect job, the perfect internship, and I get to move to Germany in like 2 months. So like, obvi my life isn't hard. But it is. It just is so hard. And the reason it's so damn hard right now is the most complex but simple answer...anxiety. I'm not sure what's happened to me but I am so anxious all the time. It's this never-ending cycle of having so much anxiety that I can't function and complete my daily tasks and then having anxiety that I didn't do anything and then anxiety that I failed and then it starts over again. My anxiety is having anxiety. I'm literally self-destructing and I feel like I don't even have a choice. And I feel so goddamned alone. And I'm sure that's a symptom and that's normal but when you are in it you feel so consumed by the thoughts and so consumed by the loneliness. and to tell you the truth, I am consumed. I'm consumed by endless amounts of anxiety and this constant state of panic. Now I'm going to try and explain my anxiety because it's not panic attacks and loss of breath. It's not my heart racing and being stressed. It's spending my entire day thinking of every interaction I have had with anyone and beating myself up about what I did or said until I have convinced myself that said person hates me. It's someone texting me a simple yes or no answer and me starting to panic that they don't like me and think I am annoying and are only my friend out of pity, It's literally not being able to complete my homework on time and then trying to explain to my professor that I just couldn't do it. It's asking time and time again for my professor to help me and praying that she doesn't just think I'm a crappy student because I really am a good student when I'm not an anxiety-ridden mess. But when my anxiety hits I am barely a student or human at all. It's knowing that I need this class to graduate but continually slacking because I can't get out of my bed and I can't stop telling myself I am worthless. It's this sudden fear of impending doom where all I can think about is how everything is wrong and nothing will ever be right. It's feeling like I can't tell anyone because they'll just say I'm lazy or not motivated.
It's not being able to respond to texts or answer my phone because if I have to have one more interaction with someone then I won't be able to stop thinking about it and I'm too tired of thinking everyone hates me. It's getting home after work and school and tearing myself apart for everything I did or said. It's having to pull over after I pass a cop because I was going 5 over and I just know he's coming to pull me over. It's all these thoughts and feelings that get out of proportion. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted and I feel like a shell of a human. Now, I'm not saying this for pity, I'm saying it because I know a lot of people that feel this way and don't have a word for it, they think it's normal. It's not. This is anxiety. Everyone's anxiety presents itself in a different way and it does exist. Just because mine doesn't present itself in panic attacks, it presents itself in a million other ways. I get a lot of people on social media, and even this blog saying how much they love how funny and positive I am. People that have known me a little longer and have seen what I have been through and the loss I've had constantly tell me how strong I am and how amazingly positive I am for the life I've had. And people message me telling me how jealous they are of me and my positive life outlook...but they don't know the whole story, and I guess they don't need to. But I really want them to know the real me. They should know that you can be fun and positive even if you're dealing with issues daily that are really hard on you. I want them to know that it's ok to have issues and be open about them. I usually hide this stuff from most of the people I know but it's escalating to a point that I need a support system. It's also OK to admit that you can't get through things alone. But really, mostly, I want people to know that not being able to do something, or needing a personal day because of anxiety isn't stupid or dumb. It's a real disease that is debilitating. I know because it's really hurting my life in a lot of areas right now. Luckily, my professors this semester have been so understanding and helpful but that's not always the case. I just want the stigma with anxiety to end so badly because there are days I can't get out of bed because I just don't have the energy to be anxiety ridden all day. I want people to feel like they can openly talk about their anxiety and how they are feeling because it helps. I don't know why talking about it, or writing about it helps, but it does. So I just want you guys to know that I have a great life, I am really happy, and I am blessed with the life I have and even though sometimes anxiety really gets in the way and starts to convince me otherwise I am going to be ok. So if you're dealing with this or struggling with this, you're going to be ok too. But, if you are struggling please talk to someone. You may not even know what's going on or have a word for all these intense thoughts and it could be anxiety. I had no idea I was dealing with anxiety until I talked to someone. I thought I just had a brain that liked to overthink, and I had a strange paranoia of friends hating me. But it's anxiety, just not in it's "common" form. I don't know why I wrote this really, other than I just wanted to talk about this, open a dialogue and hopefully relate to someone out there that may be struggling with the same thing. Because it helps to feel validated and it helps to know that you're not crazy and other people are feeling the same thing in the same ways. Well, I'm going to stop rambling now (I did warn this post would be all over the place). I love you all and thanks for thinking I'm OK even though 90% of my day is thinking everyone thinks I'm lame.
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Next stop Thailand (and a couple of connecting flights)