I don't even know how to start this blog post guys...I'm sitting in my bed stress eating brownies that Emily made and taking down pictures of my family and friends that I will be hugging in 48 hours (give or take). I'm rolling my eyes at the fact that I once wrote, "Remember how I just decided one day to like move to a foreign country? What a dumb idea. I'm not saying I hate it here but I do kind of regret deciding to be gone so long." BECAUSE 4 MONTHS WAS NOWHERE NEAR LONG ENOUGH. Moving to Thailand was one of the best decisions I have ever made, I mean I haven't made that many solid decisions...but nonetheless this was definitely in the Top 5.
Lets flashback to exactly 1 year before I left for Thailand. All of my friendships were falling apart, I was going through the most painful breakup of all time, and I was a mess. I was failing all of my classes, I had no friends, and I spent most of my days in my moms arms crying. I just wanted to leave my life,and I needed to get away. I felt so claustrophobic in Provo, UT and I couldn't handle it anymore. So I booked my first trip to Bali with my best friend, Kelsie. I was living out my dreams, and I was beyond happy...for a little while. I got home and a week later I was back to being depressed. It didn't make sense to me, I had gone to Bali, I had started living my dreams...why wasn't I happy? So I booked a trip to Thailand...this time for a longer amount of time, that way I was sure to be happy for longer right? Not exactly. Right before leaving for Thailand I was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I had this amazing group of friends, I was doing well in school, and I had this major that just left me excited for my future everyday. I was terrified to leave my life because suddenly I had everything. One day I decided that I was going to drop out of ILP and stay home, I had told my mom and she supported my decision. I was on my way to get my passport from ILP and tell them I wasn't going anymore when I dramatically said, "I mean c'mon Universe...you'd tell me if I was making the wrong decision right?" I shit you not at that exact moment a mini van pulled out in front of me that had a huge sticker taking up its whole back window that said "THAILAND." So, I turned my car around called my mom and said, "Well shit, I guess I'm going to Thailand." So I left. I left my amazing group of friends, I left school, I left, essentially, my dream life, and every single day I am glad that I did. I thought Thailand would automatically make me happier, I truly did. But if anything it just enhanced all of those negative emotions I had been suppressing for so long. Although I was the happiest I had ever been there were a lot of issues that I had pushed aside and not dealt with. The first month in Thailand was hell. I was dealing with emotions and experiences I hadn't thought about in years and to be honest I was a mess. In America I was in this constant cycle of getting myself overwhelmingly busy so I didn't have to deal with anything and continuing to push everything down. Suddenly, I was in Thailand and had so much free time that it was inevitable that I start dealing with these issues. But what Thailand gave me, was a stress free environment to deal with all of those emotions. I had so many things to deal with and Thailand was the perfect place for me to be able to do that freely. I didn't have a job, I didn't have school, and I was away from everyone and everything. I didn't have to pretend to be happy, I didn't have to pretend to be anything. It was a fresh start, in a fresh place to just grieve. I think if I would have stayed home that I would've just kept suppressing these feelings and emotions until I was 35, had a meltdown at work one day and burnt my office down or something along those lines. Between 18 credits, a full time job, and extra curricular's I didn't have the time that I needed to deal with everything. Thailand gave me that time, and it changed my life. After that first month of my emotional band aid being ripped off I was able to fully enjoy Thailand to it's full extent. 3 months of total bliss and complete happiness. It's been the best 3 months of my life and I am extremely sad to be leaving my new home.
So with that MELODRAMATIC TMI.....Here's a list of things I've learned while in Thailand
1. Happiness doesn't depend on where you are. Happiness can only be found within you. Bali won't change that. Thailand won't change that. The mountains and the seas won't change that. No place on Earth will change the fact that your happiness lies within you. It's all in your head and heart. You can choose to be happy, even if you feel like you've been given a raw deal in life. Other people's actions don't define your happiness. Get your shit together, smile, and get happy.
2. Don't give up on the day before it begins Don't wake up expecting your day to be bad because then it will be. Look forward to each day. Find the good in each day, and write it down. Love something everyday and write it down. It will do you good. Sometimes the only good part about your day was that ice cold diet coke, that's ok. It was probably damn good.
3. Smile everyday Please just smile, your mom paid good money for that smile. Even if it feels forced. Force a laugh if needed. BE A HAPPY PERSON. Being happy is good. It's fun and definitely better than being down in the dumps all the time.
4. If someone makes you happy, sad, angry, upset....tell them. Being passive fixes nothing, and exacerbates everything. People can't read your mind and telling people how you feel is always the best option. You never have as much time as you think with someone and people can be taken from your life in an instant...make sure they know how loved they are.
5. Dancing fixes everything Meredith Grey is onto something here. My roommates can definitely confirm how often I do this. I will randomly just turn on some kick ass music and just DANCE. I look stupid, and no one ever joins me but it makes me happy so I keep doing it, and it's the best therapy I've experienced yet.
6. Who you follow on social media matters Look, I'm never going to be one of those people that deletes social media, I'll admit it, I love social media. But what I can control is what I am filling my feed with and how that affects me. Surround your social media feed with happiness, inspiration, and positivity. Who you follow is so important. Social media is supposed to be a happy, safe place for you. Choose the right people and right words to fill your feeds because eventually those fill your mind and heart. Honestly, unfollow the Kardashians, right now.
7. You deserve the best shot at life There is only ONE of you. You deserve the best. The best shot at love. The best shot at happiness. The best shot at life. You were born unique to this world and are irreplaceable. No one has your exact laugh, smile, fingerprints, likes, and dislikes. That is exclusive to you and you alone. So take a little time once in awhile to celebrate you.
8. Even though you LOVE children don't go into a teaching career, or a career with children
So there you have it. Thailand was a dream and one I am not fully ready to leave. But here I go, and as sad as I am to be leaving Thailand I am pretty damn excited to be back home. Oh how I've missed tacos, hot wings, and In n Out. See you soon America!
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